Parenting Without Losing Yourself: Lessons from Carolyn Aukafolau

By Leanne – Psychologist, Parent, and Host of “Parent Like a Psychologist” 

Parenting is one of the most rewarding and challenging roles we ever take on—but what happens when giving everything to your children leaves nothing for yourself?

In this week’s podcast episode, I had the pleasure of speaking with Carolyn Aukafolau, an experienced educator, parenting coach, and founder of The Parent Oasis. She brings deep wisdom and a refreshingly compassionate approach to helping parents show up for their kids without losing sight of their own needs, identities, and well-being.

Below are some of the most powerful takeaways from our conversation—perfect for any parent trying to find balance in the chaos.

You Can't Pour From an Empty Cup

Carolyn uses a beautiful analogy: we each carry a bucket. As parents, we’re constantly pouring into our children’s buckets—emotionally, mentally, and physically. But what happens when our own bucket runs dry?

One of Carolyn’s core messages is this: filling your own bucket is not a luxury—it’s a necessity. Taking care of your mental, physical, and emotional health directly impacts your ability to care for your child.

“Parenting is not about giving 100% all the time—especially when it’s at the cost of your own wellness.”

Self-Care Isn't Selfish—It’s Strategic

Carolyn reminds us that burnout in parenting is real. From managing school routines to navigating behavioral challenges, many parents (especially those of children with additional needs) are stretched beyond capacity.

Her advice? Start small.
Whether it’s a 10-minute walk, journaling, or simply breathing before responding in frustration, these micro-moments of self-care create long-term change.

Trust Your Parenting Voice

Many parents receive conflicting advice—from books, social media, professionals, and even well-meaning relatives. Carolyn shares a personal story about two midwives giving her contradictory instructions. The takeaway? It’s essential to develop trust in your own instincts.

No one knows your child like you do. And no parenting path looks exactly the same.

Navigating School Anxiety and Building Trust

Carolyn’s work in Hong Kong schools gave her insight into how important it is for parents to build trust—not just with themselves, but with school staff and systems. Some children walk confidently into school. Others cry at the gate.

Both responses are valid.
Carolyn emphasizes that parental trust, patience, and communication play a huge role in easing these transitions.

The Hidden Load of Parenthood

Ever feel like your brain is juggling 100 tabs at once? That’s what Carolyn calls the “hidden load”—the mental energy spent managing things that may not even be visible to others.

She recommends:

• Doing a brain dump of all your responsibilities

• Identifying what you can control vs. what you can’t

• Releasing the guilt of not doing it all

This simple act can create clarity—and help you reclaim your mental space.

Mindfulness, Routines & Realistic Goals

For parents who feel overwhelmed, Carolyn offers practical tools like:

• The Wheel of Life (to assess areas needing attention)

• Mini goals (like walking 3 times a week or taking deep breaths before reacting)

• Mindfulness in the mundane (e.g., folding laundry with full presence)

She also discusses the idea of life seasons—recognizing that not everything has to be perfectly balanced all the time. Some seasons are for survival. Others are for growth.

Start Here: Free Resources from Carolyn

Want to bring more calm and clarity into your parenting life?

Carolyn offers two fantastic, free tools:

• Morning Chaos to Calm Guide

• Mindfulness for Busy Parents Guide
  👉 Download them here

Final Thoughts

Parenting is hard. But you’re not meant to do it alone—or at the expense of your own identity. Carolyn’s compassionate approach reminds us that you matter just as much as your child.

By tuning in, taking small intentional steps, and building trust with yourself and your child, you create a more sustainable—and joyful—parenting journey.

You deserve a full bucket, too.

Show Notes:

• Visit Carolyn’s website: https://www.theparentoasis.com/

• Free resources: Morning Chaos to Calm + Mindfulness Guide