From Chaos to Calm: Parenting ADHD & Autistic Kids with Lisa Chan
Parenting is never a perfectly paved road—but for parents of neurodivergent kids, the journey can feel more like navigating a twisting mountain path in a storm, with no GPS in sight.
In this episode of Parent Like a Psychologist, we explore a conversation with Lisa Chan, a former pediatric occupational therapist with more than a decade of experience supporting children and their families. Her mission is simple but powerful: to help parents trade frustration and self-doubt for understanding and confidence.
Lisa’s approach is rooted in one fundamental truth:
“You and your child are not broken. Often, it’s the advice you’ve been given that’s broken.”
Why “One-Size-Fits-All” Parenting Advice Doesn’t Work
Many parents Lisa meets have done everything “by the book”—attended workshops, read stacks of parenting books, invested in therapy—and yet, they still feel like they’re failing.
The heartbreaking part? They often blame themselves.
The reality, Lisa explains, is that most parenting advice is designed for children with “typical” sensory, emotional, and neurological development. For kids with differences—autism, ADHD, or sensory processing challenges—those same methods can create more stress, not less.
Instead of thinking “I’m doing something wrong”, Lisa encourages parents to think “This method isn’t the right fit for my child’s wiring.”
The Three Big Challenge Areas
Lisa identifies three main areas where neurodivergent children often struggle—and where parents can make the biggest difference.
1. Sensory Overwhelm
When the nervous system is flooded with too much input—noise, lights, textures, smells—kids can spiral into overload.
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What you might see: covering ears, avoiding textures, meltdowns in crowded places.
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What helps: reducing environmental triggers, offering calming tools like noise-canceling headphones or weighted blankets.
2. Executive Functioning Difficulties
This is the brain’s “project manager”—handling planning, organization, and task completion. Many neurodivergent kids develop these skills on a different timeline.
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What you might see: forgetting steps, struggling to start tasks, feeling overwhelmed by multi-step directions.
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What helps: visual checklists, breaking tasks into tiny steps, offering gentle prompts.
3. Emotional Regulation Challenges
Big emotions can feel too big for a child to manage alone.
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What you might see: frequent meltdowns, shutting down, reacting strongly to small changes.
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What helps: co-regulation (borrowing your calm), validating feelings, building a “toolbox” of coping strategies.
Executive Functioning in Action: The School Bag Example
Lisa shares a simple but eye-opening scenario: packing a school bag.
For an adult, it’s automatic. For a child, it might mean:
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Remember homework
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Find homework
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Locate water bottle
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Fill it
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Get permission slip
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Zip bag
Each of those is its own task—and if a child struggles with just one, the whole process can fall apart.
Lisa’s tips:
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Identify the specific step that’s tricky.
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Offer support only where it’s needed.
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Praise the steps they do manage independently.
“Independence grows from success, not from being left to struggle.”
Why Early Support Is a Game-Changer
Without understanding and support, neurodivergent kids often internalize a harmful belief:
“I’m trying, but I keep failing. I must be broken.”
That mindset can lead to:
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Avoiding new challenges
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Low self-esteem
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Anxiety or depression
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Disconnect from parents
By intervening early—with the right kind of help—parents not only build skills but also protect the relationship with their child.
Building True Independence (Without Pushing Too Hard)
Many parents worry that offering too much help will make their child reliant on them forever. Lisa flips that thinking on its head.
Her strategy:
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Spot “slivers of capability.” Start with something your child can do a little of on their own.
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Match the challenge to readiness. A task should be just hard enough to be rewarding.
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Celebrate the wins. Even if the “win” is getting one shoe on without help.
These micro-successes build the self-belief that fuels independence later in life.
Slowing Down: The Power of a Gentle Pace
We live in a world that glorifies speed—fast schedules, quick transitions, constant multitasking. But for neurodivergent children, that pace can be exhausting.
Why slowing down works:
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Reduces sensory and emotional overload
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Gives kids time to process instructions
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Lowers stress for everyone in the house
Lisa calls out “emotional contagion”—when your stress spills over into your child’s mood. By creating buffer time for transitions and questioning whether every activity is truly necessary, families can shift from a constant rush to a calmer rhythm.
Parenting When All Three Challenges Collide
When a child is experiencing sensory overwhelm, emotional dysregulation, and executive functioning struggles, they aren’t “acting out”—they’re simply overloaded.
Lisa suggests:
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Remove or reduce sensory triggers
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Offer your calm through co-regulation
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Break down tasks into micro-steps
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Focus on connection, not correction
Final Thoughts
Parenting a neurodivergent child isn’t about fixing them—it’s about learning to work with their brain, not against it.
By slowing down, tailoring strategies, and focusing on relationship over rules, you can help your child shift from feeling “too much” to feeling capable, confident, and deeply understood.
As Lisa reminds us:
“You’re at the prime time of your child’s life to make a difference. This is when you have the most influence.”
Show Notes & Resources
🌐 Website: www.thelisachan.com
📚 Free Resources: thelisachan.com/resources
🎓 Course: Chaos to Calm
