Behaviour Is Communication – And It Gets Louder When Kids Aren’t Heard

One of the most important shifts parents can make is this simple reframe:
behaviour is communication.

Children don’t act “for no reason”. Every behaviour, especially challenging or escalating behaviour, has a purpose. It is a child’s way of telling us something when they don’t yet have the words, emotional insight, or skills to explain it clearly.

In this episode of Parent Like a Psychologist, we explore why behaviour escalates, what children are really communicating, and how responding differently can reduce stress for the whole family.

Why Behaviour Gets Louder

Think about a time when you weren’t being listened to.
You probably didn’t get quieter. You likely repeated yourself, became firmer, or found another way to get your point across.

Children do exactly the same thing.

When a child’s behaviour doesn’t lead to understanding or support, they don’t stop communicating, they try again, often in a louder or more intense way. This is why ignoring behaviour so often leads to escalation rather than improvement.

Big behaviour usually means:

• “I’m overwhelmed”
  
• “I can’t cope”
  
• “I don’t have the skills for this”
  
• “I need help”
  
• “I need more control or predictability”
  

It’s not manipulation.
It’s communication under pressure.

Why Kids Use Behaviour Instead of Words

Adults have years of practice naming feelings, problem-solving, and advocating for our needs. Children are still learning all of this, especially kids with ADHD, autism, anxiety, or emotional regulation difficulties.

When language, emotional regulation, or flexible thinking breaks down, behaviour fills the gap.

This might look like:

• Rudeness or arguing
  
• Meltdowns or shutdowns
  
• Defiance or refusal
  
• Emotional outbursts
  
• Avoidance or withdrawal
  

Rather than asking “How do I stop this?”, a more helpful question is:
“What is my child having trouble with right now?”

What Listening to Behaviour Really Means

Listening doesn’t mean giving in.
It means getting curious.

For example, a child who is rude or argumentative may actually be struggling with:

• Emotional regulation
  
• Feeling out of control
  
• Low frustration tolerance
  
• Difficulty problem-solving
  
• Sensory overload
  
• Cognitive fatigue
  

When we respond only to the surface behaviour, we miss the message underneath. When we respond to the need, behaviour often softens because the child no longer has to work so hard to be heard.

Big Behaviour Isn’t Bad Behaviour

This is a key takeaway from the episode:
big behaviour is not bad behaviour.

It’s often an unmet need asking to be noticed.

When parents shift their focus from punishment or suppression to understanding and support:

• Connection strengthens
  
• Stress reduces
  
• Children feel safer
  
• Behaviour becomes smaller and less intense over time
  

This doesn’t mean behaviour disappears overnight. But it does mean families move out of constant cycles of escalation and into problem-solving and growth.

When You Need Extra Support

Sometimes the message behind behaviour is clear.
Sometimes it’s not, especially when behaviour has been happening for a long time or when a child has complex needs.

You don’t have to figure this out on your own.

If you’d like help understanding what your child’s behaviour is communicating, or support responding with more clarity and less stress, I can help you work through it step by step.

🎧 Listen to the full podcast episode to explore this idea in more depth.
👉 Reach out or explore my parent programs if you’d like practical support tailored to your family.

Understanding leads to empathy.
Empathy leads to patience.
And patience changes everything.