Calm and Connected Parenting in the Age of Screens and AI

A Conversation with Todd Sarner on Parent Like a Psychologist

Parenting today can feel like a lot.

We’re trying to raise resilient kids in a world full of screens, social media, AI, school pressure, and constant demands on our time. At the same time, we want to stay calm and connected to our children, set boundaries that actually stick, and not lose ourselves along the way.

In this episode of Parent Like a Psychologist, I talk with Todd Sarner, author of
The Calm and Connected Parent: An Attachment-First Guide to Raising Resilient Kids in the Age of Screens and AI.

Todd is a parent coach and couples therapist whose work centres on helping parents lead their families with calm, confident leadership-balancing structure and empathy, limits and love, boundaries and connection.

This blog post pulls out the key ideas from our conversation and turns them into practical takeaways you can start using at home.

What Is Attachment-First Parenting?

Todd describes his approach as attachment-first parenting.

Attachment isn’t a buzzword or a trend. It’s a well-established area of psychology that looks at how secure our emotional bond is with our caregivers (and later, with our partners and close friends).

Todd’s core message is simple:

Attachment comes first. Behavior, resilience, and independence grow from there.

As parents, it’s easy to focus on the long list of worries:

• My child doesn’t listen

• Sibling fights are constant

• They’re always on screens

• Will they be resilient enough for this world?

• Are they motivated? Independent? Creative?

Todd reminds us that the single biggest protective factor is not a perfect routine or a perfect parenting strategy-it’s a secure, reliable relationship between child and caregiver.

When children feel:

• safe

• loved

• seen

• understood most of the time

they’re much better able to:

• handle frustration

• learn from mistakes

• bounce back from setbacks

• manage peer pressure and screen challenges

Attachment-first parenting doesn’t mean being perfect or always calm. It means that relationship is the priority, and everything else-behaviour management, routines, screen time rules-flows from that base.

Why Connection Can’t Be Assumed

One of the most important points Todd makes is this:

We often assume connection instead of actively creating it.

Parents are busy. We’re doing our best. We love our kids deeply. It’s very easy to think, “Of course my child knows I love them. I’m trying my hardest.”

But children don’t feel connection just because we care. They feel connection when we:

• tune in

• slow down for a moment

• notice their signals

• meet them where they are

Todd uses a simple everyday example: if someone (a partner, boss, or friend) walks into the room and immediately starts telling you what to do, without a “hi” or any warmth, most of us resist. We’re wired to be open to influence from people we feel connected to in that moment.

Kids are the same.

So if we walk in and jump straight to:

• “Pack your bag.”

• “Turn that off.”

• “Stop fighting.”

without first connecting, we’re likely to see pushback. Not because our child is “naughty” or “defiant”, but because connection is low and their guard is up.

Todd encourages parents to build a habit of “getting into connection first”:

• sit next to them for a moment

• notice what they’re doing

• ask a simple question

• share a small comment about their world

It doesn’t have to be a long, deep talk-just a few seconds of genuine presence can change the tone of the whole interaction.

Calm and Connected Parenting vs. the Parenting Pendulum

In the episode, Todd talks about the “parenting pendulum” he sees online and in popular culture.

On one side:

• All-gentle, all-validation, no real limits.
  Parents are told to stay calm, validate feelings, and avoid anything that looks like a consequence. The intention is kind and loving-but it can leave parents feeling like they’re not allowed to lead.

On the other side:

• “Tough love” or “F-around-and-find-out” parenting.
  This is the trend where parents are told to let kids “learn the hard way”, often in ways that can feel harsh, shaming, or even traumatic.

Parents ping-pong between the two:

• gentle but exhausted and not seeing change

• strict but feeling guilty and disconnected

Todd’s attachment-first, calm and connected parenting is a third path - a balanced middle:

• Warm, responsive, and deeply connected

• Clear, consistent, and confident with limits

• Focused on teaching cause and effect, not punishing

• Rooted in long-term resilience, not short-term compliance

We can:

• say no and still be loving

• hold firm boundaries and still be kind

• follow through without yelling or shaming

This is how kids learn that:

“My parent is in charge, they’re on my side, and I am safe - even when I hear ‘no’.”

Attachment-First Parenting and Screens

The subtitle of Todd’s book mentions “raising resilient kids in the age of screens and AI” - and for good reason. Screens are a major source of friction in families.

Many parents try to start with rules:

• “No phone in the bedroom.”

• “You can only have 1 hour a day.”

• “No games before homework.”

Rules can be useful, but Todd’s point is that rules without relationship often backfire. When kids don’t feel deeply connected and secure, screen time becomes:

• an escape

• a way to self-soothe

• a way to feel in control

• a place they feel seen when they don’t feel seen at home or school

Attachment-first parenting helps us ask:

• What is my child getting from this screen that they aren’t getting enough of elsewhere?

• Do they feel understood, valued, and safe enough to turn the device off?

• Do we have enough connection “in the bank” before I try to set a limit?

From that base, we can still create clear, firm boundaries around technology- but they’re more likely to work because they feel:

• predictable

• fair

• held inside a warm relationship

How Attachment Shapes Sibling Rivalry

Sibling conflict is one of the main reasons parents seek help. Todd shares a powerful idea:

“Kids fight over what feels scarce.”

If attention and connection from a parent feels limited or unpredictable, siblings often treat it like a finite resource. If one child is getting your time or affection, the other may feel like there is “less” left for them.

This can show up as:

• constant bickering

• teasing, poking, or “stirring”

• competing over who sits where, who gets you first, who you read to, who you praise

Todd describes two key drivers of sibling rivalry:

1. Lack of clear leadership (the “alpha” position)
   When parents are emotionally or physically “out of the room” for too long, kids sense a vacuum. One child tries to take charge, the other resists - “You’re not the boss of me” - and conflict follows.
   Small, frequent moments of re-entering the space as a calm leader can reset this dynamic.

2. Confusion between love and time
   Many children (especially around ages 3–5) don’t separate “love” from “time with you”.
   If they see a sibling getting more of your attention, they may think:
   “You love them more.”
   It’s not logical, but it’s very real to them.

Attachment-first parenting doesn’t mean you can (or should) give equal time every minute. Instead, it invites you to:

• build regular one-on-one moments with each child

• name your love out loud:

  “I love you so much, even when I’m busy.”

• explain what’s happening:

  “I’m with your sister right now, then it’s your turn. You matter just as much.”

Over time, this helps children feel more secure in their place in the family, which can reduce the intensity of sibling rivalry.

Teenagers, Bids for Connection, and Late-Night Chats

Todd and I also talk about teenagers and their often confusing patterns of connection.

You might recognise this:

• Your teen barely speaks all afternoon.

• Then, right when you’re about to go to bed, they appear at your door:

  “Mum, can I talk to you?”

It’s tempting to say, “Not now, I’m exhausted.” And of course, you can’t be available 24/7. But Todd encourages parents to recognise this as a precious window.

Teens often:

• spend the day managing school, friendships, social media, and internal stress

• “wall off” emotionally just to get through

• soften only at the end of the day, when things feel quieter and safer

That late-night knock is often a bid for connection - a vulnerable moment where the wall comes down.

Where possible, Todd suggests:

• noticing those bids

• saying yes when you can

• viewing them as an investment in long-term attachment, not “one more demand”

Even short chats at these times can deepen trust and keep the door open for future conversations about mental health, friendships, relationships, and screens.

One-Size-Fits-All Parenting Doesn’t Work

Another strong theme in Todd’s work is rejecting one-size-fits-all parenting advice.

If you have more than one child, you already know: each child is completely different.

Some kids:

• warm up quickly and connect with just a small greeting

• are naturally easygoing and flexible

Others:

• need much more time to feel safe and open up

• are more sensitive, intense, or easily overwhelmed

• show their bids for connection in “prickly” ways (snapping, complaining, pushing away)

Attachment-first parenting is not a script. It’s a set of guiding principles you adapt to each child.

In his book, Todd encourages parents to:

1. Notice your patterns – how you tend to respond under stress, what you repeat from your own upbringing, where you get stuck.

2. Connect to your “why” – what kind of relationship you want with your child, what type of parent you’re trying to be.

3. Make one small shift at a time – not a huge overhaul, just one realistic change you can actually sustain.

This approach is especially important for parents of neurodivergent kids, where generic strategies often fail or even backfire. When you understand the child’s nervous system, sensitivities, and attachment needs, you can customise your parenting in a way that feels both effective and kind.

Key Takeaways for Calm and Connected Parenting

Here are some simple ways to bring attachment-first, calm and connected parenting into your everyday life:

• Lead with connection, then direction.
  Say hi, sit near them, ask a quick question, then give the instruction.

• Don’t assume connection - create it.
  Small, frequent check-ins matter more than occasional “big talks”.

• Balance empathy with boundaries.
  You can say, “I know this is hard” and “The answer is still no” in the same sentence.

• Watch for bids for connection.
  “Mum, look at this”, “You never listen to me”, or the late-night knock - these are all signals.

• Name and protect one-on-one time.
  Even 10–15 minutes of undistracted time can reduce sibling tension and increase security.

• Hold firm limits around screens from a place of relationship, not fear.
  Rules work best when kids feel safe, understood, and connected.

• Reject one-size-fits-all advice.
  Use principles, not scripts. Adapt to each child.

Listen to the Full Episode

This blog post only scratches the surface of our conversation.

In the full episode of Parent Like a Psychologist, Todd Sarner and I explore:

• how attachment shapes behaviour

• practical examples from families he works with

• how parents can stay calm, confident, and connected - even when life is busy and messy

🎧 Listen to the episode: “Raising Resilient Kids in the Age of Screens & AI - with Todd Sarner”
(on your favourite podcast app or via the player on this page)