Let Them... and Let Me: Parenting Neurodivergent Kids with Compassion and Boundaries

By Leanne Tran | Psychologist | Parent Like a Psychologist

Welcome back to Parent Like a Psychologist! In this episode, we’re diving into a book that’s stirred up both interest and debate: The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins. While I don't fully endorse everything in it—especially the sweeping claim that it will “change your life”—I do think it offers some useful tools we can adapt as parents, particularly for those raising neurodivergent kids.

First, a Quick Caveat

As a psychologist, I approach bold promises with caution. Unlike motivational speakers, professionals like myself are bound by ethical codes, which means we can’t guarantee life-changing outcomes. What works for one family might not work for another. So, when I read books like this, I recommend taking them with a big three-finger pinch of salt, as my father-in-law likes to say.

There’s also a bit of controversy surrounding the book’s originality. A poet named Cassie Phillips wrote a piece titled Let Them, and some have questioned whether Robbins should’ve credited that earlier work. That said, if we set aside the drama, there’s still value in exploring how the Let Them Theory might guide our parenting—especially when it comes to neurodivergent children.

What Is the Let Them Theory?

At its core, Let Them is about letting go of control. It encourages us to step back when others act in ways we dislike and simply say: “Let them.” Let them feel how they feel. Let them behave how they behave. Because, truthfully, we can’t control others—only ourselves.

But there’s a second part to the theory: Let Me. This is about turning inward and deciding how we want to respond. Let me choose my reaction. Let me protect my boundaries. Let me stay grounded.

So in practice, the Let Them Theory is:

• Let Them: Let others do what they’re going to do.

• Let Me: Let me choose how I respond, within my own values and limits.

Where the Psychology Holds Up

While Robbins isn’t a psychologist, her ideas echo a few well-known psychological frameworks:

• Stoicism: The belief that we’re responsible for our own feelings and actions, not those of others.

• Radical Acceptance (from DBT): Accepting reality as it is, even if we don’t like it.

• Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): Accepting our circumstances while taking values-driven actions.

These principles are widely supported in psychology and can absolutely help us create calmer, more grounded parenting experiences.

How This Applies to Parenting

Robbins partnered with child psychologist Dr. Stuart Ablon to include a parenting perspective in the book. And this is where things get practical.

When it comes to kids—especially neurodivergent kids—we can’t apply the Let Them idea exactly as we would with adults. Kids need guidance. But there are times when stepping back can be powerful. Dr. Ablon suggests that about 90% of daily decisions might be safe to leave up to children.

For example:

• Let them pick their clothes—even if it’s mismatched.

• Let them decide when they’re hungry.

• Let them skip a shower once in a while (especially if sensory issues are at play).

• Let them be themselves, even if that means breaking neurotypical norms.

This doesn’t mean no boundaries—it means flexibility within boundaries. We let them make low-stakes decisions and learn from their experiences. It’s about releasing control, not responsibility.

What Does Let Me Look Like in Parenting?

Here’s where we shift from letting go to leaning in.

• Let me regulate myself before I respond.

• Let me support, guide, and collaborate instead of control.

• Let me help my child build their own solutions, not rescue them from every challenge.

• Let me offer structure, but with choices: “Bedtime is between 8:30 and 9:00. When do you want to start getting ready?”

This shift is especially powerful for neurodivergent kids, who often need more autonomy, more flexibility, and more validation than traditional parenting styles allow.

Let Them Be... Themselves

Perhaps the most powerful application of the Let Them Theory is this: Let them be who they are.

There are so many social pressures to make our kids “fit in” or be “normal.” But what if we let go of those expectations?

Let the strangers at the store think what they want during a meltdown.
Let the grandparents have their opinions about showers or table manners.
Let the school staff raise their eyebrows at your child’s behavior.

And then:
Let me love my child exactly as they are.
Let me show up for them without shame.
Let me build a family culture that works for us—even if it looks different from everyone else’s.

A Gentle Reminder

Using the Let Them Theory doesn’t mean permissive parenting. It’s not about having no rules or letting kids run wild. It’s a tool—to be used thoughtfully, when the stakes are low, not when health or safety is on the line.

It’s also a tool for you. For finding grace. For lowering the unrealistic expectations you carry. For remembering that it’s not your job to fix everything—or to have kids who never struggle.

Final Thoughts

Parenting is complicated. Especially when your child is neurodivergent. But if this theory gives you a bit of permission to breathe, to step back, and to stop trying to control the uncontrollable? Then maybe there’s some real value in it.

So the next time you're struggling with a meltdown, a power struggle, or just a bad day, try it:

Let them. Let me.

And see what shifts.

Want more neuro-affirming parenting insights? Make sure to subscribe to the podcast and follow me on Instagram @parentlikeapsychologist.