Low Demand Parenting: A Compassionate Approach for Overwhelmed Families
If you’ve ever felt like parenting is an endless tug-of-war over getting shoes on, brushing teeth, or just leaving the house, you’re not alone. For some kids—especially those who are neurodivergent—everyday requests can feel like enormous demands. That’s where Low Demand Parenting by Amanda Diekman comes in.
Amanda is a late-diagnosed autistic woman, pastor, parent coach, and mother to neurodivergent kids. She knows firsthand the exhaustion of trying to parent without a roadmap. Out of that struggle, she developed the low demand approach—a practical, compassionate method for lowering the bar so families can restore calm, connection, and trust.
In this post, I’ll unpack the main ideas from the book, share examples, and explore both the strengths and challenges of this approach.
What Is Low Demand Parenting?
At its core, low demand parenting is about reducing unnecessary demands to create safety, trust, and regulation for your child—and for you. It’s not about letting kids do whatever they want; it’s about being intentional with the requests you make, focusing on what really matters, and meeting your child where they are.
Amanda outlines six steps to guide parents through this process:
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Assess the demand – Look at all the hidden steps behind a simple request. “Put on your shoes” might also involve stopping a video, transitioning rooms, finding socks, tolerating scratchy fabrics, and managing noise.
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Drop the demand – Identify which parts are non-essential. Could shoes be put on outside where it’s quieter? Could it happen five minutes later instead of immediately?
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Work with the brain you’ve got – Adapt routines to your own strengths and limitations as a parent. If mornings are tough, prepare bags, clothes, and breakfast the night before.
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Create safety – Removing triggers builds trust. If a certain pair of shoes always causes distress, agree never to use them again.
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Step into the moment – Focus on the “now,” not the “shoulds” or “what-ifs.”
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Build a low demand life – Design a lifestyle that supports calm, connection, and shared values over constant conflict.
How It Differs from Permissive Parenting
One common worry is, “Won’t this just let my child get away with everything?”
Not if you’re thoughtful and consistent.
Low demand parenting still has boundaries—especially around safety—but it replaces knee-jerk enforcement with responsive decision-making. Permissive parenting often feels chaotic because rules are inconsistent and reactive. Low demand parenting, in contrast, is planned, predictable, and grounded in connection.
Think bigger, stronger, wiser, and kind—a parent who leads with empathy and foresight, not force.
Why This Approach Works for Demand-Avoidant Kids
Some children have what’s called a demand avoidance profile—whether related to PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance), an “autonomy drive,” or simply high anxiety. Everyday demands can trigger fight-or-flight responses, leading to meltdowns or shutdowns.
By reducing demands, you lower the threat level for their nervous system. This makes it easier for them to stay regulated, and it preserves energy for skill-building later.
Reality Checks
As compassionate as this approach is, it’s not a magic wand:
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You can’t drop every demand – School runs, medical needs, and certain hygiene habits still need to happen. The trick is finding flexibility where possible.
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It requires emotional strength – Letting go of expectations can stir up your own discomfort. Many parents find therapy or coaching helpful.
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It’s not one-size-fits-all – Adapt it to your family’s values, capacity, and circumstances.
Practical Starting Points
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Pick one friction point—like getting dressed—and apply the six steps just to that.
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Plan for your own needs so you’re not running on empty.
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Shift the goal from compliance to connection—understand the “why” behind your child’s resistance.
My Takeaway
Low Demand Parenting is a breath of fresh air for parents who feel like they’ve tried everything. It gives permission to slow down, drop the non-essentials, and rebuild trust at home.
It’s not the final word on parenting—no single book is—but it’s an excellent starting point. If it gives you even one idea that lowers the frustration in your home, that’s a win.
Key message: Parenting differently takes courage, but the payoff in connection and calm is worth it.
If you’d like to explore how to tailor low demand strategies to your own family, my Chaos to Calm program helps you take the principles from books like Amanda’s and make them work in real life. You can also check the resources in the show notes for guides on connection-based parenting and collaborative problem-solving.
Episode Notes & Links
Amanda Diekman’s Information:
📖 Low Demand Parenting – The Book
📸 @lowdemandamanda on Instagram
Resources for Families:
🔹 Problem Solving with Your Child – Free Guide
🔹 Connection through collection (link to be added)
