Parenting in a Digital World: What Dr Jo Orlando Wants Every Parent to Know

Parenting in a digital world can feel like trying to read a rulebook that keeps rewriting itself.

One minute you’re told to “limit screen time,” the next minute your child’s whole social life, homework, and hobbies seem to be online. Add in talk of social media bans, algorithms, and online safety, and it’s no wonder so many parents feel overwhelmed and unsure what “good” digital parenting even looks like.

In a recent episode of Parent Like a Psychologist, I spoke with Dr Jo Orlando, researcher and author of Generation Connected: How to Parent in a Digital World at Every Age and Stage. Jo has spent the last 15 years in Australian homes, schools, and communities – from major cities to very remote areas – watching how real families live and use technology.

Her message is reassuring and powerful:

It’s not just about how much time kids spend on screens.
It’s about how they use tech, what their brains are ready for, and the world around them.

In this post, I’ll walk you through the key ideas from our conversation and Jo’s book, and how they can help you feel more confident about tech in your home.

Why “Just Limit Screen Time” Isn’t Enough

Most advice parents hear sounds something like:

• “Limit screen time.”

• “Make sure they’re safe online.”

• “Don’t let them use social media too early.”

All of that sounds sensible in theory… but the missing piece is how.

How do you “limit screen time” with an 8-year-old who melts down every time you say no?
What does “safe” look like for a 13-year-old on group chats?
How do you manage screen use in a family where kids are different ages, with different needs?

Jo sees the impact of this vague advice in her research all the time. Parents end up feeling:

• Like they’re failing

• Unsure what to do day to day

• Disempowered and judged

That’s exactly why she wrote Generation Connected – to turn big ideas into age-specific, practical strategies you can actually use.

The Three Forces of Digital Parenting

One of the most helpful ideas in the book is Jo’s framework of the three forces that shape how kids use tech:

1. Brain development – what your child’s brain is ready for at this age

2. Tech design – how the app or game is built to grab and keep attention

3. Social context – what’s happening in their world: family, friends, school, culture

These three forces are always working together in the background.

1. Brain Development: What Their Brain Is Ready For

Different ages use tech differently because their brains are at different stages.

• Toddlers and preschoolers often love repetition. That’s why they want the same episode, the same game, the same song again and again.

• Primary school children are learning rules, fairness, and basic problem-solving.

• Tweens and teens are driven by identity, independence, social connection, and validation.

Knowing this helps you see that tech isn’t “randomly addictive” – it’s interacting with what their brain naturally wants at that age.

For example, a 3-year-old watching the same fast-paced cartoon over and over might look “happy,” but their brain can be overloaded by all the colour, speed, and noise. No wonder they come off the screen cranky and wild.

A 15-year-old glued to social media isn’t just “obsessed with their phone.” Their brain is wired right now for social status and belonging. Likes, comments, and views feel incredibly meaningful.

2. Tech Design: It’s Not Just Cute Animals and Bright Colours

Tech is designed to keep us there.

For adults, that might be notifications, infinite scroll, and autoplay. For children, it can be:

• Collecting rewards

• Fast-paced movement and sound

• Bright, flashing visuals

• Competitive game mechanics

• “Just one more” design

Jo gave the example of two brothers playing a very intense game. They only played for 15 minutes, but when they came off, they were wrestling and fighting. The problem wasn’t the length of time – it was the type of game and how revved up it made them.

The message:

15 minutes of overstimulating content is very different from 15 minutes of calm, creative play.

3. Social Context: What’s Happening Around Your Child

Tech use doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It’s shaped by:

• Siblings and birth order

• Friends and peer groups

• Family habits and values

• School expectations

• Where you live (city vs rural vs remote)

Jo’s research covers city families, regional families, and very remote communities in the Australian outback. For some kids, the only way to access schoolwork or health care is through screens and internet access. For others, online games may be the only place where they feel successful socially.

And it’s not just kids influenced by social pressures – parents are too.

Advertising, Facebook groups, and other parents’ opinions can make us feel like:

• “If I don’t use a tracking app, I’m a bad parent.”

• “If I don’t let my child have [X], I’m being cruel.”

• “Everyone else is letting their kids do this…”

Jo calls this out clearly: we experience parent peer pressure just as much as our kids feel peer pressure from friends.

Screen Time vs Screen Quality

One of my favourite ideas in Jo’s work is the shift from screen time to screen quality.

We often focus on:

“How long have you been on that?”

But Jo suggests a more helpful question:

“What are you doing on there, and how is it affecting you?”

Because 30 minutes can look very different:

• 30 minutes of mindless, fast, noisy content that leaves them overstimulated and wired
  vs

• 30 minutes of creating music, building a world in Minecraft, making art, or working with friends on a game or project

Both are “screen time” – but the quality is completely different.

If you’re stuck in daily arguments about time, try gently shifting your focus to:

• What are they doing?

• How do they seem afterwards?

• Is this “hard fun” (engaging, creative, thought-provoking) or passive zoning out?

Time still matters, but quality matters more.

Curiosity Over Criticism: Stay Close to Their Digital World

Another strong theme in Jo’s book is curiosity.

She notices that in many homes, kids are on devices while parents are racing to get jobs done. That’s completely understandable – family life is busy. But over time, that distance means we can end up not really knowing what our kids are doing online.

Jo suggests:

• Sit next to your child once in a while while they play.

• Say, “Show me what you’re doing.”

• Ask, “How does this game work?” or “What do you like about this?”

• Have a go yourself (and happily be terrible at it!).

This does three things:

1. Shows interest in their world (just like you would with sport, Lego, or art)

2. Gives you insight into the game or app and how your child uses it

3. Builds connection, so you’re the person they’re more likely to talk to if something goes wrong

It doesn’t need to be every day, and it doesn’t need to be for long. Even 10 minutes once a week can make a difference.

Tech and Neurodivergent Kids

I work with many parents of neurodivergent children, and we talked about how tech can play a particularly complex role for these kids.

Jo hears from parents that:

• Online games are sometimes the only place where their child feels socially successful.

• A child who struggles in face-to-face social situations may be a leader in an online team game.

• Online environments can offer structure, predictability, or shared interests that feel safer or easier than offline spaces.

For some neurodivergent kids, screens and tech fill gaps in:

• Social connection

• Sense of competence

• Calm and regulation

That doesn’t mean “anything goes,” but it does mean we need to be thoughtful. Rather than focusing purely on time, Jo’s approach helps families think about:

• Quality of use

• Impact on mood and behaviour

• What needs the tech is meeting

• What boundaries and alternatives make sense for this child

Are Screens Helping or Overloading? What to Watch For

So how do you know if something is “too much” or “not quite right” for your child?

Jo suggests watching both the content and the reaction:

• Are they calm, creative, engaged?

• Or do they come off angry, wild, wired, or miserable?

Particularly for younger children (or sensitive kids), pay attention to fast-paced, highly stimulating shows and games. Even if the content looks “child-friendly” (farm animals, bright colours), the design might still overload their brain.

Some signs it might be too much:

• Big behaviour spikes straight after screen time

• Difficulty calming down

• More aggression or roughness with siblings

• Seeming “foggy” or zoned out afterwards

Jo’s practical suggestion is simple:

• If you’re going to let them play something intense, plan a quiet, separate activity straight afterwards:

  • A snack at the table

  • A short walk

  • Quiet play in different rooms

  • Reading or drawing

Often they only need a few minutes to “re-enter” the offline world.

Using the Three Forces to Solve Tech Problems

One of my favourite examples from Jo shows how the three forces can help unpack tricky situations.

A mum was battling with her 15-year-old about a tracking app (Life360). The daughter kept turning it off. The mum just wanted to know she was safe. It kept ending in arguments.

Using the three forces, Jo helped her see:

• Brain development: At 15, her daughter’s brain is craving independence and a sense of growing up. Constant tracking feels like being treated as a child.

• Social context (for the mum): She was getting strong messages from advertising and other parents that “good parents track their teens”. She felt judged and scared of being seen as careless.

• Tech design: The app is built for constant visibility – which can clash with a teen’s need to feel trusted.

Instead of assuming the daughter was “up to something,” this framework helped the mum see why her daughter was resisting.

The solution? Baby steps.

• They kept the app, but created clear rules around when it would be on.

• Over time, those boundaries softened as trust grew on both sides.

• The mum slowly weaned herself off checking constantly.

• The daughter felt heard and more respected.

It became a win–win, not a constant power struggle.

You can use the same approach for your own tech problems:

• Brain: What is my child’s brain focused on at this age?

• Tech: How is this app/game designed? What is it encouraging?

• Social: What pressures is my child under? What pressures am I under?

Our Own Tech Habits: We Are Their First Role Models

Jo also highlights something many of us would rather not think about: our children are learning about tech from watching us.

From day one, we are their primary tech role model.

This doesn’t mean we need to be perfect. But it does mean our habits matter:

• Checking our phones while feeding a baby can chip away at precious eye contact and bonding time.

• Reaching for a phone every time we’re bored, waiting, or stressed teaches them: this is what you do when you feel this way.

• Using screens as the only tool to keep kids quiet in public sets up a habit that’s hard to undo later.

Jo doesn’t say, “Never do this.” Instead, she encourages awareness and variety.

For example:

• If you’re exhausted during feeds, maybe put on a podcast or audio so your hands and eyes are still free to connect with your baby.

• If you’re in a waiting room, sometimes a device is okay – but not every single time.

• Mix in other strategies: toys, books, games, music, conversation, silly challenges, or simple connection.

The more tools you have, the less you’ll feel trapped into using screens as the only option.

The Social Media Ban: Why It’s Hardest for Some Teens

We also talked about the upcoming social media ban for under-16s in Australia.

Jo’s view is that this policy mainly looks at the “tech design” side of the problem – trying to pull kids away from platforms that can be harmful. But for teens who already use social media, especially 14–15-year-olds, it’s far more complicated.

For many of them:

• Social media is where their friendships live.

• They get daily validation from likes and comments.

• It’s deeply tied to their identity and belonging.

So when that’s removed, they don’t just lose an app – they feel like they’re losing:

• Friends

• Status

• A place where they’re seen and valued

Simply saying, “It’s for your own good,” is unlikely to help.

Jo suggests:

• Acknowledge the loss. It genuinely is a loss for many teens.

• Use the three forces to guide conversations:

  • Brain: “At your age, it makes sense that friends and what they think really matter.”

  • Tech: “These apps are designed to keep you there and make you want more.”

  • Social: “You’re going to miss that connection and feedback. Let’s talk about that.”

• Work together to find other sources of validation and connection:

  • Sport or arts

  • Creative projects they can share in different ways

  • Online spaces that aren’t covered by the ban (like collaborative games, chats in safer environments, or creating blogs/content in other formats)

• Expect this to be a process, not a one-time chat. There may be grief, anger, FOMO, and a lot of big feelings.

The goal isn’t to minimise their distress, but to walk through it with them, helping them build new sources of connection and self-worth.

Tech Is Here to Stay – But So Is Your Influence

One of the most encouraging messages from Jo’s book and our conversation is this:

You haven’t missed the boat. You’re not doing it “all wrong.”
You’re learning, your child is learning – and things will keep changing.

We live in a fully digital world now. Tech won’t disappear, and banning it completely usually isn’t realistic or helpful.

But you don’t have to choose between “anything goes” and “no screens ever.”

Instead, you can:

• Understand what’s going on underneath your child’s tech use

• Focus on screen quality, not just minutes

• Stay curious and connected to their digital world

• Be aware of your own habits and what they’re learning from you

• Use the three forces – brain, tech, and social context – to guide your decisions and problem-solve tricky situations

• Build a toolkit of alternatives, especially for calming, waiting, and connecting

And if you don’t know what to do in a particular situation? That doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent. It means you’re human, and the digital world is complicated.

As Jo puts it, this just happens to be her job. Most parents are figuring it out as they go.