Understanding Spoon Theory: Supporting Neurodivergent Kids with Space and Grace

Featuring Psychologist Adelle Sushames

Parenting a neurodivergent child often means watching them move through the world differently—sometimes thriving, sometimes exhausted, sometimes overwhelmed by things that seem small to others. If you’ve ever wondered why your child may hold it together at school but emotionally unravel at home, or why certain days feel instantly harder than others, you’re not alone.

In our recent podcast conversation, psychologist and Neurodivergent Ally Adelle Sushames introduced a powerful and compassionate tool for understanding this: Spoon Theory.

What is Spoon Theory?

Spoon Theory is a way to explain a person’s energy and emotional capacity throughout the day.
Think of spoons as tokens of energy that we use to complete tasks, social interactions, transitions, thinking, and coping.

• Some activities use up spoons (e.g., noise, social expectations, following instructions, sitting still).

• Some activities restore spoons (e.g., quiet time, special interests, movement, being with safe people).

Neurodivergent children—especially those who are autistic, ADHD, AuDHD, or have sensory differences—often use more spoons just to exist in environments not designed for their brains.

This means they may run out of spoons much faster.

Why Neurodivergent Kids May “Hold It Together” at School but Melt Down at Home

Many parents describe this pattern:

“The teacher says they’re fine all day, but as soon as we get home, everything falls apart.”

This is called after-school restraint collapse.

At school or daycare, children are often:

• Masking their needs to fit in

• Coping with noise, expectations, and social complexity

• Following directions even when overwhelmed

They are using spoons all day long.

Home is where they finally feel safe enough to release emotions they've been holding inside. This meltdown isn’t manipulation—it’s relief.

How Spoon Theory Helps Parents

Understanding Spoon Theory gives families a new language to talk about needs.
Instead of:

• “Why are you acting like this?”

• “You were fine all day.”

• “Stop overreacting.”

We can say:

• “It looks like you’re out of spoons.”

• “Let’s help your brain rest.”

• “What would help you get some spoons back?”

This shifts the focus from behavior → to capacity and nervous system needs.

And that shift is huge.

Practical Ways to Support Your Child’s Spoons

Here are some simple, compassionate strategies:

1. Create After-School Soft Landings

Instead of diving straight into homework or chores:

• Quiet space

• Snacks

• Sensory decompression

• Screen or special interest time is okay

This is recovery time, not laziness.

2. Use a Spoon Scale

Ask:
“How many spoons do you have right now?”
Children can answer with:

• Words

• Numbers

• Hand signals

• Or cards like the Spoon Savers Deck from Adelle

3. Prioritize Energy Support, Not Performance

Some days your child may have enough spoons for:

• Homework

• Sports

• Socializing

Other days they’ll need:

• Rest

• Routine simplicity

• Quiet connection

Both days are valid.

4. Validate Their Experience

You can’t refill spoons by pushing harder.
But felt safety refills them slowly.

Try:

“It makes sense that you’re tired. I’m here with you.”

What Parents Often Need to Hear

Supporting a neurodivergent child means sometimes you will run out of spoons too.
Your energy matters.
Your nervous system matters.
Your capacity matters.

You cannot regulate a child you’re overwhelmed by.
Your rest is not optional—it’s a parenting tool.

Final Thoughts

Spoon Theory helps us understand neurodivergent kids not through the lens of behavior, but through capacity, energy, and emotional safety. When we see our children this way, we move from:

❌ “How do I fix this?”
to
✅ “How can I support what they need?”

And that shift changes everything.