By Leanne – Psychologist, Parent, and Host of “Parent Like a Psychologist”

School holidays are in full swing as I sit here in a quiet corner of my home, headphones mysteriously in the possession of my kids, and the background far from inspiring. But, like many parents, I’ve learned that done is better than perfect. So, despite the chaos and imperfections, I wanted to take a moment to reflect on something important—something I think every parent of an autistic child needs to hear.

Recently, I attended the Yellow Ladybugs Conference here in Australia, an inspiring, autistic-led and neuro-affirming event dedicated to celebrating and supporting autistic girls, women, and gender-diverse individuals. This experience left me both deeply moved and profoundly motivated to share what I’ve learned, especially around one crucial but often overlooked topic: trauma in autistic children.

Moving Beyond Big “T” Trauma: The Power of Little Moments

Traditionally, trauma has been viewed as the result of a singular, catastrophic event—what we call “Big T” trauma. Think car accidents, natural disasters, or sudden loss. But psychological research—and lived experience—now tells us something different.

Trauma is often the accumulation of small, repeated experiences that chip away at a person’s sense of safety and self. For autistic children, this might include:

• Being misunderstood or misjudged

• Repeated sensory overload

• Being gaslighted or invalidated

• Masking their true selves to fit in

• Facing bullying or exclusion

• Feeling unsafe or unseen in school settings

These micro-traumas compound over time, especially when a child doesn’t have the buffer of supportive, understanding relationships.

When the Bucket Overflows: The Overflow Analogy

One powerful metaphor shared by Monique Mitchelson, an autistic psychologist from Brisbane, is the idea of the “overflowing bucket.” Every stressful moment—noisy environments, unpredictable routines, unkind interactions—adds to the bucket. Without outlets, empathy, or escape, that bucket spills over.

When it does, we see meltdowns, shutdowns, and burnout. And sadly, many of our schools are structured in ways that constantly drip into our children’s buckets—often with little recognition of the weight they’re carrying.

Complex Trauma and Autistic Kids: Why It’s Different

If children don’t have what psychologists call secure attachment relationships, they’re more vulnerable to trauma. Autistic children often:

• Don’t feel fully accepted for who they are

• Experience higher levels of sensory distress

• Have difficulty finding safe, affirming adults at school

• Feel like they must perform, perfect, or mask to survive

When the people who should help (e.g., teachers, aides, or even family) respond with misunderstanding or judgment, that trauma becomes complex—more deeply rooted, harder to resolve.

“Perfect Childing”: The Hidden Cost of Masking

One speaker, M. Hammond (known as Neurowild), introduced a term that stopped me in my tracks: “Perfect Childing.”

This is when an autistic child works tirelessly to be the model student—quiet, obedient, high-achieving—at the expense of their mental health and authenticity. They’re praised for their “good” behavior while silently suffering inside. It’s a trauma response, not a character trait.

If your child is “perfect” at school but melts down at home, this might be what’s happening.

What Can We Do? 7 Neuro-Affirming Parenting Strategies

The good news is that you—the parent—can be the safe base your child needs. Here's how:

1. Offer Unconditional Acceptance and Safety

Your child should know they are loved and accepted exactly as they are—even when they’re overwhelmed, distressed, or melting down. Their emotions are not a burden.

💡 Tip: Don’t make your child responsible for your emotional state. Your calm is their anchor.

2. Don’t Praise Perfection

Celebrate effort, not outcomes. Normalize mistakes. Show your child that it’s okay to be imperfect—and that mistakes are part of learning.

💡 Model your own slip-ups and how you recover from them.

3. Celebrate Difference

Actively honor what makes your child unique. Stop rewarding conformity, and instead highlight how their differences are their strengths.

💡 Start by identifying and naming each family member’s unique traits and contributions.

4. Prioritize and Model Self-Advocacy

Your child needs to know they can speak up—and they need to see you doing it too. Whether it's asking for space or turning down a hug, self-advocacy builds resilience.

💡 Even small phrases like “It’s loud here, I need a break” can be powerful examples.

5. Teach Your Child to Listen to Their Body

Encourage your child to tune into physical signals and act on them—whether it’s taking a break, moving their body, or setting sensory boundaries.

💡 Don’t force physical affection, and check in often about how they’re feeling.

6. Create Authentic, Unmasked Experiences

Support your child in finding “their people”—spaces and communities where they can just be themselves without judgment.

💡 Think: shared-interest groups, neurodivergent peer connections, or safe online spaces.

7. Keep Open Communication

Talk openly about emotions, safety, and stress. Help your child name their feelings and identify what they need. Ask them directly: Do you feel safe? What helps you feel calm?

💡 Use bedtime or car rides for these deeper conversations.

You Don’t Have to Be Perfect—Just Present

This can all feel heavy, I know. But the truth is: trauma doesn’t just come from hard things happening—it comes from hard things happening when no one helps.

If you’re there to see your child, support them, and walk alongside them through the tough stuff, you are already making an incredible difference.

And remember: done is better than perfect. You don’t have to get it right every time. Your child needs your connection more than your perfection.

Resources to Explore

• 🐞 Yellow Ladybugs

  A non-profit organization that celebrates and supports autistic girls, women, and gender-diverse individuals. They provide community, advocacy, and resources tailored to lived experiences.

  🔗 Website: yellowladybugs.com.au
  🔗 Instagram: @yellowladybugs_autism

  🧠 Em Hammond (@neurowild)

  Em is an educator and illustrator who shares highly accessible, neuro-affirming visuals about autism, ADHD, and more.

  🔗 Instagram: @neurowild_
  🔗 Em’s resources: Teachers Pay Teachers Store

  🧩 Monique Mitchelson (ND Psychologist)

  Monique is a neurodivergent psychologist who shares professional insights and affirming resources for ND mental health.

  🔗 Instagram: @monique.mitchelson.nd.psych
  🔗 Monique’s free resources: Divergent Futures – Free Resources

If this resonated with you, stay tuned for the next few episodes of Parent Like a Psychologist. We’ll be diving into more on conscious parenting, attunement, and how to help your autistic child thrive by playing to their strengths.

Let’s keep learning—and parenting—together.