Why Kids Learn to Act Out for Attention, and How Parents Can Turn It Around

With insights from Dr Larry Waldman on the Parent Like a Psychologist Podcast

Most parents have had a moment where they think, “Why does my child keep doing this? They know it drives me mad.”
From tantrums to yelling to poking siblings, many behaviour challenges come back to one powerful force: attention.

In a recent episode of Parent Like a Psychologist, I sat down with US psychologist Dr Larry Waldman to talk about how children learn behaviour, and why attention is the strongest reward they have in the early years.
What he shared is simple, science-backed, and incredibly practical for busy parents.

Parenting isn’t instinct, it’s learned

Dr Waldman makes an important point right at the start:
Although we love our kids instinctively, parenting skills aren’t instinctive.

Most of us simply repeat what we saw growing up. If we had great role models, that can work well. But if we want to parent differently, or more calmly, we need to understand the science behind behaviour.

Kids come into the world “naked and naive” (as Dr Waldman says). They don’t know what’s appropriate, what’s not, or how to get their needs met in healthy ways.
They learn all of this from us, mostly through what we respond to.

The behavioural approach: kids repeat what gets noticed

Behavioural psychology is based on one clear idea:

Children repeat behaviours that lead to attention.

If something gets a strong reaction, even a negative one, they’re more likely to do it again.
If something gets ignored, it naturally fades away.

Here’s what that looks like in everyday family life:

• Kids play quietly together
  → Parent thinks, Finally! A moment of peace! and walks away
  → Kids receive no attention for positive behaviour

• Kids start yelling, fighting or being silly
  → Parent reacts strongly and steps in
  → Kids receive lots of attention for negative behaviour

Over time, children learn that misbehaving is the fastest way to get a parent’s eyes, voice, and presence. Not because they’re naughty, but because the reaction is immediate and predictable.

This is how the negative attention cycle is formed.

Why “attention-seeking” is actually relationship-seeking

It’s easy to label behaviour as “attention-seeking,” but Dr Waldman reframes it as something far more human:

Children aren’t seeking attention -
they’re seeking connection.

Attention is the way young children understand they matter.

When parents only notice behaviour during the difficult moments, kids learn:
“I get the most connection when something goes wrong.”

This is not intentional manipulation. It’s learning through experience, the same way adults learn workplace habits based on what their boss notices.

Why ignoring behaviour isn’t enough

Parents often hear advice like “just ignore them.”
But Dr Waldman explains that ignoring only works when paired with lots of positive reinforcement.

If a child has learned that negative behaviour gets attention, ignoring alone can make them escalate to get that response back.

Instead, parents need two parts:

1. Notice and praise the good

This is the heart of behavioural parenting.
Comment on every small positive behaviour you can catch:

• Quiet play

• Sharing

• Using gentle hands

• Trying something new

• Helping without being asked

Praise doesn’t have to be big or over the top.
A simple “I love how you’re playing so calmly” is enough.

2. Step away from minor negative behaviour

If the behaviour is safe but annoying, walking out of the room removes the reward: your attention.

Kids quickly learn:
“This behaviour gets me nothing… but this other behaviour gets me connection.”

That shift is powerful.

“Catch them while they’re good”: the most important takeaway

Dr Waldman uses this phrase often, and it’s a brilliant summary of behavioural parenting:

Spend far more time noticing what your child does right than what they do wrong.

Most parents naturally scan for problems to fix.
It takes intention, and practice, to scan for the good.

Dr Waldman suggests aiming for something like 90% positive attention and 10% corrective attention.
When parents make this shift, behaviour improves because children get their need for attention before they feel the urge to act out.

Real-life examples you can use today

Here are simple ways parents can apply this approach at home:

✔ Praise the behaviour you want to see more of

“Thanks for using your gentle voice.”
“I love how you’re playing without arguing.”

✔ Reinforce new or tricky skills

Trying to make their bed?
Help them feel proud:
“You worked so hard on this, look how tidy your room looks!”

✔ Give attention before problems start

Sometimes a few minutes of connection prevents an hour of chaos.

✔ Stay neutral when behaviour is attention-seeking

If your child bangs cutlery, whines, or pokes a sibling just to get a rise out of you, calmly leave the room when it’s safe to do so.

✔ Celebrate effort, not perfection

Kids thrive when parents show interest in trying, not just in getting things right.

This approach strengthens behaviour AND relationships

One of the most beautiful parts of the behavioural approach is that it doesn’t just reduce tantrums, whining, or meltdowns.
It also builds a stronger parent–child bond.

When children regularly hear:

• “I see you.”

• “I appreciate that.”

• “I’m proud of you.”

…their confidence grows, cooperation increases, and family life feels more connected.

And importantly:
Kids feel safe, valued, and noticed for who they are, not just what they do wrong.

The big picture: attention really is power

Dr Waldman ends with a simple idea that applies far beyond childhood:

People thrive in relationships where their positive actions are noticed.

This is true for children, for workplaces, for partnerships, and for families.
Attention shapes behaviour, and connection shapes wellbeing.

When parents use attention gently and intentionally, children learn to behave well because it feels good, not because they fear consequences.

Final thoughts

Attention-seeking behaviour isn’t a sign that a child is “naughty” or “manipulative.”
It’s a sign they’re learning, growing, experimenting, and working out how to feel connected.

With small shifts, noticing the good, reinforcing calm moments, and stepping away from behaviour that’s only there to provoke, parents can break the negative cycle and create a calmer, more cooperative home.

If you’d like more practical, evidence-based help with behaviour, emotional regulation, or neurodivergent parenting, you’ll find more support on the Parent Like a Psychologist podcast and in my parent courses.